15 Things I’ve (Over)shared on First Dates

Since you (the reader) and I are in the process of getting to know each other, this feels a lot like a first date. So... Here are 15 things I've shared on a first date:

"I subscribe to Blanche Devereaux's theory of gender equality: 'I don’t want to be treated as your equal. I want to be treated a lot better than you.'"

"Jamiroquai is the greatest band of all time!"

"My cleaning lady doesn’t come until next week. So this week, I’ve been eating everything– cereal, cake, chicken– with the same spoon that I keep washing over and over. And on paper plates."

"My aesthetician referred me to a therapist because, as she explained, 'Committing to a routine is a life skill that I’m going to have to develop sooner or later.'"

By the way, this exchange with my aesthetician reminds me of one of my favorite bits from Martin Lawrence's You So Crazy...


I digress. Continuing on...

"Mad About You over The Cosby Show all day."

"I don’t trust people who say things like 'Education is about the journey.' Or artists who use phrases like 'the definitive work.' ...And other ways of saying, 'I don't care about money.'"

"My Best Friend's Wedding did more to prepare me for life than anything I ever learned in school."

"Sorry, I’m late...Did you know that Tiffany® doesn’t sell nose rings?"

"I’m not a fan of [insert any of the following: Michael Jackson, Prince, Mary J]... I don’t understand the hype."

"I’m not interested in seeing Alvin Ailey again. Once was enough."

"Quit threatening to take my 'black card.' ((A "black card" is a term used by black people to represent membership in the black community, the status of which is placed in jeopardy of being revoked when a cardholder does not possess traits perceived to be shared by the community, such as having seen Love Jones or the ability to dance on beat. Used in a sentence: "Black people question my black card like Birthers question President Obama's citizenship.")) I gave that shit away after I tried to sell it on eBay and realized I couldn't get anything for it."

"This isn’t my real hair."  (This statement is untrue and has been said on a first date solely to cause confusion.)

"I can’t even judge those people on Hoarders. A friend crawled into the back seat of my car yesterday and sat on a piece of birthday cake from a party that I can’t remember."

"Going dutch is a cockblocker."

"Thanks for dinner. I’ve got to get home in time to watch the Real Housewives of New York at 9. But I could come back out later for a drink…"

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Not surprisingly, that 3rd date remains somewhat elusive…